A closed door is disconcerting. Since human beings by nature dislike the unknown, we are frustrated by closed doors and, by extension, the person who shut the door on us. We are also curious creatures which means we (desperately) want to know what's happening behind that door. If you were a parent or caregiver and the one who closed the door on you was your budding teenager, you're more curious than ever. This is the age-old logic, laced with annoyance, thrown at the unsuspecting teenager: if you're not doing anything bad, why do you need to close the door?!
I need my privacy! says the teenager, slamming the door in your face anyway.
What could a thirteen-eighteen-year-old possibly be doing behind closed doors?
Maybe you consider breaking down that door.
Truth be told, nothing spectacular happens behind that door. As a caregiver, you worry about your teenagers because they're at that age. You worry a closed door means secrets, potentially dangerous secrets, or the beginning of fading attachment between you and your teenager. While these are not totally out of the picture, more often than not when a teen says they need their privacy, that's exactly what they mean. It's not really about the caregiver. It's simply an increased interest in self-exploration and setting out on a journey to find themselves. Wanting privacy does not mean your teenager wants nothing to do with you anymore. Closing the door on you does not mean your teenager doesn't need you. They need you more than ever. A teenager's relationship with their caregivers is one of the only relationships they believe to be stable and never-ending. Figuring out one's identity and one's place in the world is scary and they'll need the stability of their caregivers.
In the frightening, unknown world, one of the only places that can bring safety and stability to the teenager is their room. If the world was tiring and hurtful and scary, wouldn't you close the door on it too? Giving your teenager some privacy is not a sign of bad parenting. Of course, this does not mean being neglectful. Your teenager isn't a stranger. They still need you to guide and protect them. The only difference from when they were a child is that you're not their only superhero anymore.
The hard truth is that when your teenager changes, you'll need to change along with them. They're not the same person anymore. They grow up too fast, changing at a rate much faster than your own. Stubbornly refusing to modify your ways of approaching your relationship with your teen does more harm than good. When you change as a person and view yourself differently, you also view the world and your relationships with the people in it differently. This means that your teenager isn't the same child you knew (which is a good thing, albeit nostalgic!) and isn't going to consider their relationship with you the same way. This could look like going from telling you every detail of their break-time in school when they were a child to coughing up three sentences when you ask them about school when they're a teenager. It can get frustrating and difficult. Still, don't give up. All relationships change. Why must you be so hard on the ones with your children? After all, you wouldn't yell at your boss for closing the door to their office.
Make the effort. Put in the hours. Reap the benefits. This is one of those things that work out when you genuinely care and express it the right way.